AmyHauer.com

For the next I don’t know how long… the feeling of bruising in my gut is going to remind me of the pain of it. Taking my son. Sending him off to war… how could a mother do that?

That precious life. I loved him from the moment I knew he existed. I felt him move as his tiny body form in my body. I ate, slept and cared for myself so he would be strong. The moment he was born, before I counted his fingers and toes, I listened to him breathe. Life. Precious little life. Totally dependant on me to love and protect him. I held him close and gave him only the best mommy milk. I’d listen to him breathe as he sweetly suckled for his nourishment. I never stopped listening to him breathe as he slept. From the time he was as an infant, a toddler, a young boy. Precious life. Now a young man, but I never stopped listening to him breathe. Precious breath of life.

The night before his first deployment (9-11-2011), we spent the night in a hotel. He fell asleep before I did. I laid in the bed next to his in the dark… listening to him breathe as he slept. So sweet. Precious life. One I loved and protected all those years. How could I stand there and watch him walk straight into danger, and just stand there? Watching? How could this be? I’d still, to this day would stand in front of him and take any blow to protect him. It feels so wrong. It hurts so bad.

Yet I face this nightmare once again. Rest and recuperation leave is over. We got up early. 5am. As I suspected, there was ups and downs. The expected. He was ready, but he wasn’t. Kaleb: “Mom, where is my belt? I can’t find it?”. Me: “It’s got to be here son, you lace your boots and I’ll look for it”. I found it! A mom thing. It was at the end of his bed, wrapped in the covers. Tan comforter, tan belt. But I found it. I had to. I couldn’t let him down.

Off to the airport. A Lunar Eclipse is in the sky. Perfect stamp for a memory. Approaching the beautiful San Diego bay at sunrise. He takes it in, comments and feels a dread to leave his beloved “home” and return to his duty. I enjoy it with him. It is beautiful. But how can I comfort him. His feelings are real. Just validate them. That is all I can do. Smile. Be supportive.

At the airport, I park. Kaleb grabs his bag and we head towards the check in. He is so handsome. I am so proud. Every time I walk with him. But even more so now with him in his uniform. I tell him. He smiles and nods his head. An understanding bond. They tell us at check in, if he is deploying I can go to the terminal with him! Yes! We didn’t know that! Happy, we walk through the security together, taking off our shoes, jacket, he empties his pockets. A security guard comes over, asked him some “where you going Soldier?” questions. Kaleb politely answers. Affirms. Others are all looking. He is so young. Sweet faced. He stands out. A different sight.

He looks 13, maybe 14, all dressed up. Then we go to put our stuff back on, he laces his boots, fills his pocket’s back up. Another guard comes over and asked “how old are you?”, Kaleb replies… as I’ve seen him reply SO MANY times to that question. 19 Sir. The Security offers a few words of atta boy’s and as they all do, they thank him for his service. I see the guard go back and give a report to the others. They are all looking at us. He stands out.

He is worried. A little hurried. Gotta get to the boarding gate. The plane leaves in 30 minutes and they are open for boarding. They call out passengers with ticket’s for second seating. Me “What section are you in?” Kaleb: “It doesn’t matter, I go priority”. The area is full, the line growing as passengers for 2nd seating move into line. We are about 8 back. The line is moving fast. Too fast. 2nd in line. Kaleb: “I guess this is it” and he opens his arms for a hug. I hold his tight. I don’t care who is behind us, or how long they wait. Seconds. Maybe three, four. I kiss his cheek and tell him “I LOVE YOU SON! God Bless you and I’ll be praying for you every day”. He smiles “I love you, too, Mom” as he turns away and hands the lady his ticket. Then he just keeps walking. My heart starts sinking and I feel my eyes fill with tears. But I stand there. I just want to watch him till he disappears. Then he stops. At the end. Turns. Looks back. He see’s me. He just smiles in an understanding “It’s ok Mom, I’ll be ok” smile. Waves and steps out of sight.

I’m silent, but tears start to poor out of my eyes. I turned to walk away as I grabbed my stomach. A hard blow just hit it.

Knocking the wind out of me. I look around at everyone looking at me and I felt suddenly alone. As I start to walk back, I hear a lady say
“God will protect him”. Yes, I nodded. People are praying. Not just me. We are all praying.

I can’t do anything but wipe the tears as they poor down my face and hold my breath to keep silent weeping inside. I’m alone. I feel so alone! But I know I am not alone.

I will regain my composure. I will feel the waves come and go for the next months of Kaleb’s absence. It will take some time… the pain will remain as a bruise that never fully heals until that moment of his safe return. But it won’t be crippling. I am strong. I have to be. I’m the mother of a young boy who has become a great man. A Soldier. But I’m still… just a Mom.  And he will always be my little boy.